Experiment
by Sergeant Duck
Summary: In the name of SCIENCE!...and smut...but mostly SCIENCE!
1. Chapter 1

**TALK KEY:** Normal, ::cybertronian::, **emphasized**, _thoughts_, *comm. line*, //bond//

**Chapter 1**

Overview of the Scientific Method - The Scientific Method is a process for experimentation that is used to explore observations and answer questions. Scientists use the scientific method to search for cause and effect relationships in nature. In other words, they design an experiment so that changes to one item cause something else to vary in a predictable way.

Step One of the Scientific Method - Ask a question.

Wheeljack stumbled into the portion of the warehouse dubbed as the recreation room glad that the area appeared to be unoccupied. If someone had been present (more specifically, if the room contained a certain neon yellow-green medic) he was sure to be in for a lecture about letting his energon levels get low enough to induce stumbling. It's not like he did it on purpose. For one, no one claiming to be sane did **anything **to invite the wrath of their resident border line homicidal medic. Number two, he couldn't help the way his processor worked; if he got caught up in an experiment or invention, his basic needs to be able to function properly just kind of got pushed down the priority list… the bottom of the list.

Wheeljack grabbed a cube from the energon dispenser and allowed his mask to retract into his helmet. He gulped the energon down hungrily in one swig and leaned back on the counter with a content sigh. It was at this moment that he realized the giant panel television they had obtained for the rec room was on. The United States government covered their expenses so there was no concern over an electric bill; but it was still rude to waste energy. Wheeljack replaced his mask and stepped up to the oversized couch facing the entertainment center with the intention of finding the remote control to turn the power off. He paused and looked around curiously when a sound reached his audios that had not originated from the TV's speakers. Both optic ridges shot up in shock when he spotted two of the Autobots' human charges currently engaged in what Wheeljack could only assume was human pre-mating activities.

Wheeljack hunched down behind the couch so that only his optics peered over the top and watched the young human couple. _I was unaware of how __**physical**__ humans got when participating in such activities. _He silently moved around to the end of the couch for a closer look. _Fascinating; the human designated as bein' male appears to be the primary aggressor…" _Wheeljack blinked and tilted his head to the side._ Correction; apparently the female is just as capable of taking the lead. Other than the obvious use of their sexual organs, it looks as if their hands and mouths play a vital role while… did she just __**bite**__ him?! How in the name of Primus is a painful stimulus…?!_

"**WHEELJACK!"**

Wheeljack wind milled his arms and fell backwards with a loud crash while the two humans made their own panicked sounds from the couch. Wheeljack quickly got to his feet and met a pair of glaring optics. "Bumblebee! Uh…hi…um…I was just…"

Bumblebee angrily stepped around the larger mech and put himself between the engineer and the humans. He maintained his glare on the Autobot officer and spoke over his shoulder to the humans scrambling around on the couch. "Sam, Mikaela, are you two alright?"

"Yup, fine, great, nothing to see here" came the muffled reply of Sam as he pulled a shirt over his head.

Bumblebee forcefully pushed air through his vents in an angry hiss as he pulled his full attention back to Wheeljack. ::Wheeljack, I know you are new to this planet and are curious about the human species and all; but… peeping tom?! These are our friends and you were **spying** on them!!::

Wheeljack flinched as the young scout snapped at him. He conducted a quick check on the internet to reference the name peeping tom and gaped at the result. ::I am most certainly not a peeping tom! And I wasn't **spying;** I was **observing.** It was purely of scientific…::

::Spying, observing, whatever! Look at them Wheeljack! You've scared them sparkless!::

::Well they shouldn't have been performing such acts in a public location. And you need to have a spark to be scared sparkless so…:: Wheeljack cut off as Bumblebee sliced the air in front of him with his hands in an obvious 'shut up now or else' gesture.

Bumblebee chanced a glance behind him and saw his charges had finished making themselves more presentable and were now staring confused at the two mechs speaking in Cybertronian. He lowered his hands to the edge of the couch and waited for the two humans to settle on his palms before turning back to Wheeljack. When Wheeljack lowered himself as if to speak with the humans Bumblebee pulled his hands back to his chassis protectively. "These are my charges Wheeljack; my friends. They are not experiments."

"Experiments?!" Sam managed in a strangled shout now that the language had been switched back to English. He ducked back behind a few fingers and clutched Mikaela closer when Wheeljack's attention returned to them.

Realizing that he wasn't going to get anything more out of the humans to sate his curiosity, Wheeljack raised his hands in defeat and took a few steps back. Bumblebee gave a sharp nod and quickly left the room. Wheeljack watched the departure sadly finally realizing his folly. Not only had he succeeded in angering Bumblebee; he had frightened the humans as well. There was little chance of getting anymore information of any kind from them now. Oh he could search through the internet (primitive beyond belief but proving to be an invaluable source of information) but it failed to give a more 'personal' perspective.

Wheeljack was pulled away from his thoughts when the TV produced an unusual sound. So caught up in the events circling around Sam and Mikaela, he had completely forgotten about the TV. He blinked as two humans on the screen appeared to be repeating the actions he had observed on the couch only moments ago. _Huh, I wonder if Sam and Mikaela's actions were initiated by the actions bein' displayed on the TV. _He turned the TV off but remained staring at the dark screen deep in thought. It continuously surprised him how many similarities appeared between two races that were so obviously different. This recent observation of human coupling was nowhere near cybertronian interfacing seeing as how humans failed to possess the proper… for lack of a better word, equipment; but he could not deny that there were some similarities. There were also some things displayed that he was sure no cybertronian had ever tried performing making these things an unknown. Wheeljack smiled. He liked unknowns. "I wonder… if cybertronians were to attempt a version of human foreplay… would the results be identical to what the humans experience… or would it only prove to be another difference between us?"


	2. Chapter 2

Damn tired, not really sure what all I wrote, if ya don't like let me know an I will take it down an try again.

**TALK KEY:**Normal, ::cybertronian::, **emphasized**, _thoughts_, *comm. line*, //bond//

**Chapter 2**

Overview of the Scientific Method - The Scientific Method is a process for experimentation that is used to explore observations and answer questions. Scientists use the scientific method to search for cause and effect relationships in nature. In other words, they design an experiment so that changes to one item cause something else to vary in a predictable way.

Step Two of the Scientific Method - Do background research.

"Alright, whatever it is that you're playing around with on the human internet, it stops **now **Wheeljack! This is the fifth time, as in one two three four five, you've graced my med bay this week… and it's only Tuesday!! I've seen some stupid stunts pulled in my time but this…"

Wheeljack tried not to fidget on the repair berth as Ratchet began purging his systems of his latest run in with a computer virus. Well this was fair. He was already being punished by the virus; Ratchet's yelling was now the added energon goody frosting on top. All he wanted to do was research human sexuality for his little project. How was he supposed to know that there would be that many viruses surrounding this particular topic?

"Holy Primus! Is this the same virus you had on Sunday?! It is, isn't it?! How the **frag**did you manage that with the new firewalls I gave you?! I didn't even think that was possible! What the… what in the name of Alpha Trion is a Trojan?! I don't **believe**…"

Wheeljack sighed and allowed a small smile behind his mask. It was nice to find that despite all the changes they'd had to endure, Ratchet was still the same old cantankerous mech he'd befriended countless vorns ago. The only thing that truly appeared different was their appearances. The unique color scheme and vehicle pieces making up Ratchet's Earth inspired alt mode caught his optics as the medic worked. Since his arrival, Wheeljack had teased the CMO on several occasions over the numerous strobe lights and shiny chrome bits the other mech now sported. It occurred to Wheeljack that human females tended to draw the attention of mates by wearing shiny jewelry in a similar manner. _Yeah, that would be the virus fryin' my processor thinkin' up things like that. Like Ratchet the Hatchet would ever __**intentionally**__ attempt to attract that kind of attention!_

"… a better chance of convincing Sunstreaker to paint himself hot pink…Wal Mart brand hot pink paint! Just what is it you were trying to find on the internet anyways?"

_Uh oh._Wheeljack wracked his processor for an acceptable answer. He was either looking to get yelled at… again; or Ratchet would be intrigued by the human versus cybertronian aspect of the experiment and want in on the project. As much as Wheeljack respected his friend's knowledge and experience, this was **his**project damnit. _Yelling it is then._ "Um… just curious about human… stuff."

"Human… stuff" Ratchet deadpanned. "What kind of human… **stuff**?"

"Nothin' important."

"Then why do you keep going back to it despite the risk of virus intrusion? You know you could try asking for help. I've managed to collect quite a bit of data regarding human anatomy, biology, and physiology; perhaps I could…"

"Really Ratch', I'm good. I don't need any help."

Ratchet narrowed his optics and frowned down at the engineer. "Fine, if that's how you want to play it." He grinned evilly and opened a comm. line. *Ratchet to Red Alert.*

*This is Red Alert, what can I do for you?*

*As the Autobot's Chief Medical Officer I am ordering a complete security shut down of Wheeljack's lab consoles. Until his firewalls are recovered I don't want him on the human internet. In fact, go ahead and restrict his access to all consoles on the base.*

*Oh thank Primus; I thought you'd never ask. Consider it done. Red Alert out.*

"Well that wasn't very nice" Wheeljack muttered.

"And don't think you can use your internal modem either. I've already deactivated and locked it."

Wheeljack sat up straight with an indignant squawk. "You can't do that!"

"I can and I did. Now get outta my med bay."

___________________________________________________________________________

Wheeljack wandered around the old warehouse turned Autobot base looking like a lost sparkling. How in the Pit was he supposed to conduct the research for his project now? He briefly considered asking one of the others to log him onto a console but decided that the combined wrath of Ratchet and Red Alert was not worth it. He brightened as his optics caught a flash of yellow crossing the end of the hallway. He jogged to catch up and prayed to Primus for a little luck. "Hey Bumblebee! Hey I was wonderin'…"

"They are not with me. Give it up."

Wheeljack stopped a few feet from the younger mech who now stood with arms folded across his torso and an irritated look on his face plates. "Uh… right. Um, look, I wanted to apologize to Sam an Mikaela for my actions the other day. Any chance you could pass that on to them?"

"I suppose I could do that." Bumblebee started to turn away but stopped when Wheeljack's hand gripped his shoulder.

"I really didn't mean any harm. I am just curious about the differences between human an cybertronian. I'd really like the chance to talk with em; just to ask some questions, I promise. Could you ask them? Please?"

Bumblebee gave his door wings a hitch as he stared into the sincere optics of the Autobot engineer. "I will ask." He let a little mischievous light brighten his optics. "I'm sure we can come up with some kind of agreement."

Wheeljack smiled as Bumblebee turned and continued on his path further down the hall. If the scout's charges would be willing to talk he wouldn't have to worry about being cut off from the internet.

___________________________________________________________________________

Two days later. A knock sounded on Prowl's door. "Enter" Prowl called out not taking his optics off the most recent report from Red Alert. A quick scan identified the visitor as Wheeljack whom Prowl had paged to his office recently. "Sit down Wheeljack; I will be with you momentarily." The tactician continued reading ignoring the other mech as he took a seat.

"Comfy?"

Prowl raised an optic ridge at the unexpected question from the other officer but decided it would be rude to not answer. "Considering that this is my office, I'd like to think I am quite comfortable in it."

"Huh? Oh, sorry Prowl. I didn't mean the question for you. But I'm glad you like your office."

Confused, Prowl finally raised his head from his report. He raised his other optic ridge at the sight of Wheeljack sitting in the chair across from his desk while resting a glass container filled with water on his knee. Upon further investigation, it appeared as if there was a small fish swimming around inside the container. Almost afraid to ask, Prowl cleared his throat and inquired. "Why, may I ask, did you bring a fish here?"

Wheeljack flashed his voice indicators happily and carefully placed the fish bowl on Prowl's desk so the other mech could get a better look. "Isn't he cute? He's a goldfish! You know he only has the attention span of five seconds?"

Prowl's left optic twitched as he resisted commenting on Wheeljack's own limited attention span. "Yes, fascinating, now why is it here?"

"Oh, Sam and Mikaela gave him to me. It's part of our bargain. They said that I have to work my way up to dealing with humans. I almost left Megatron in my lab, but I didn't want him to be lonely."

Another twitch. "Megatron?"

"That's his name."

"You named a goldfish… Megatron." Prowl leaned back in his chair being mindful of his doorwings and stared at Wheeljack. "I see. Well, I believe I have heard enough. That will be all Wheeljack, thank you."

Wheeljack blinked in surprise. "That's it? You didn't need me for anything or?"

"No, but I have since corrected the problem that was to be the main focus of our discussion."

"Oh, ok then. Have a nice day!" Wheeljack stood picking up the fish bowl and departed the office.

Prowl took a deep breath in through his intakes and looked back down at the report Red Alert had given him. With a small shake of his head, Prowl added a note to the bottom of the report granting the request to have the restriction on Wheeljack's internet usage extended. It was apparent that Wheeljack was suffering from some sort of processor breakdown.


End file.
